So I am slowly progressing in my life journey back into school. I feel as if time speeds up though when it comes to bills and billing. As I am sure many of you feel that way as well. I have recently been sick, like really sick, and am worried I am getting walking pneumonia. I am not excited about that but trying to stay positive although I feel pretty much like dog poop. I have continued using this time for personal study on things within the Psychology department as to feel like I am not left in the dust when school comes round. I am enrolled in school for this summer at Brookdale to finish out one undergraduate class I will need for this program, and then in the Fall I will be in School officially starting my Masters degree in Clinical Mental Health Counciling. I hope I achieve in getting a Graduate Assistantship as to help me with school I am very nervous now, and I continue to bug the applications personnel which I feel bad about, because I am sure its very annoying, but I need to show them I am serious as well as desperate. I am very sure they get that a lot though, it’s a tough job and I understand if I don’t get it, it’s a hard thing to get and I am praying and hopeful but not too sure how well it will go. I am just trying to put my faith in the abilities I have presented as well as in God (which I believe in, but if you my faithful reader do not I am sorry if that statement makes you uncomfortable but I am not pressuring you to feel the same as I do about “how the universe works” kind of thing).
Now, I have been stressing about my health and my future but positivity still gleams brightly for me. I am trying to be better about applying my knowledge in marketing to my easy shop, even though I have sold nothing yet I remain positive and need to work harder to develop my following. I am so lucky to have the support I do from my loved ones, such as William my boyfriend and my family and friends.
I have grown more and more as the days go on, allowing the emotions of my maturing system take course. I had a tough time last night communicating with William about my feelings, but I am lucky to have him because of his understanding nature and heart. I feel it is important to learn to listen to what loved ones say to me, and I know that sounds rather obvious but for myself I don’t find it that easy. I am stubborn and thick brained, but not thick skinned for the most part and this can cause me to be overly sensitive or overly insensitive. I worry about protecting myself from everything even opinions that matter the most to me. So a lot of the time I find that I hide behind silence even when my system refuses to let go, so it shows on my face and body language and becomes obvious to the ones who know me. This makes it difficult because I tend to clam up and that makes it difficult for those around me to tolerate my behavior. So when I felt sad and misunderstood last night by him I immediately shut down, making him frustrated but he wouldn’t give up. His words acted as a crowbar at my emotional locked door, broke off a small chunk and finally allowed small bits to come through. By the end of the night I felt better and loved.
I am sure many of you out there who have been mistreated and hurt and disappointed in the past have all developed similar coping mechanisms. Such as not to even try and shut up to keep anything from “getting worse,” you aren’t sure what that “getting worse” could be but you still figure its easier to just keep quiet (which is what I do even when I know its incorrect). Or you could be the type that shuts emotions down and says what ever comes to mind even if its cold, not feeling it even yourself. Or your anger overwhelms you and you say things you know you’ll regret. No matter what, just know you are understood and not alone. I felt alone even in the presence of someone I loved, and after he reminded me I am loved and important and what I feel is important I was able to open up. This is important to be reminded and remind ones self everyday or you’ll always feel like a victim and trapped. Just know you matter, you may not see to who or what right now, but trust me you do matter and are an important piece in the world. Allow yourself to be loved and open up, even in the face of fear and doubt because in the end you’ll regret more not actually saying what you want to say than allowing it to leave your system. Even if it is angry or sad or frustrated or hurt sounding you can do it and all things that are good for you work out in the end. Feel free to leave a comment and talk of you story or comments where you struggled. You aren’t alone and there is always people out there for you even if you don’t know them personally, and sometimes its good to see others in the same light remind us all we are in this together.
Here is also a link to some great “Opening Up” Articles to check out:
Here is an article on how to express feeling as well as how not to: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201305/how-express-feelings-and-how-not
This gives you 26 ways on how to effectively communicate and be communicated with : http://www.theredheadriter.com/2013/05/26-ways-to-effectively-communicate-open-up-emotionally/
This explains 10 reasons why you may not feel comfortable on expressing your feelings : https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-reasons-you-cant-say-how-you-feel/
This article helps you address yourself and acknowledge the root of your emotion so you may effectively communicate : http://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-steps-to-address-how-you-really-feel/
Until next time,